Nov. 27, 2008Happy Thanksgiving! Today is the day that we are going to tell our family and a few close friends that we hadn’t already told. I was excited to share our news but there was still a sense of being careful not to tell too many to early. Daniel and I talked off and on and realized that we were letting fear run our emotion. He reassured me that we got four positive tests and positive blood work, so God had told us it was finished and we weren’t going to let anything steal our promise. I was at peace with that, I’m ready to shout it on the mountain top My God answered our prayers and we have a baby on the way!! A year and a half or so ago we ordered a Yankees maternity shirt that says Yankees then has a NY symbol on the belly with the words future fan. This was how we were going to tell the Rumbach side of the family that a baby was on the way. So we got to Daniel’s parents house and waited for everyone to get there and right before the prayer for lunch Daniel asked his family if they had heard the BIG news that the Yankees were releasing today. Of course they were all shocked and curious because they hadn’t heard anything and Daniel then pulled out the shirt and said they have discovered that they have a new fan on the way. It took a while for them to get it but when they finally did they were all excited. When his grandparents got there he told them the same way and they were thrilled we then took the same routine to his uncle’s house and told his moms whole side of the family and they were all shocked and happy.
Then it was off to my mom and dad’s who already knew the news but my aunt and grand parents hadn’t a clue. So before prayer dad said to them I guess next year we will have to set another place setting at the table and they asked why and dad told them that we were expecting a baby they were overwhelmed with joy and my granddaddy was excited he could start eating for 2.
When we left my parents we headed over to Court and Jeremy’s house we hadn’t had a chance to see their new little Elijah and wanted to tell them our news. In route he called his aunt from his dad’s side and told her. When we got to the Bowser’s we visited for a little while and held our new little nephew/cousin (he is so tiny and cute!). Daniel eventually said that he was sad that Jed was asleep because he wanted to ask him if he wanted a new cousin. Court just stood there staring at Daniel she said what and Daniel repeated then finally explained that one was on the way. I think that today telling them was my favorite because even though we haven’t had as much time together lately I know Court has been praying us through this journey for the past 2 years. So she was way shocked and ecstatic!
Throughout the day we text close friends who have believed with us for our baby and let them know of our thankful news. I made sure that I took Holly’s gag order off because we had told the families so she was free to tell the world. I really miss my big sis and am praying that she is able to be here for the birth of this little one because I NEED HER!!
So its happening I’m going to have a baby it was such a peaceful day and there are not enough words of thanks to tell Jesus how thankful we are for this precious gift and can’t wait until August 3rd to hold our little baby.
Nov. 26, 2008Today was blood work day so we went in and had the blood work drawn. Big baby Kelly was just a tad bit nervous, ok I was freaking out about the blood work, but it surprisingly wasn’t a big deal. We were in and out in a fairly decent amount of time we did have to spend some time at the check-out counter disputing some of the charges they were telling us we owed. It worked out in our favor at the moment but our insurance is trying to not approve some of the procedures from last round of AI so we are just bracing ourselves for the bill. Between 2pm & 4pm is when we will get the call that will be our life changing confirmation that the test were right and that we are in fact pregnant.
After the doctor I went home with the intentions to clean the house but instead spent the whole day sleeping on the couch. My goodness I’m exhausted!! Around 1:30ish Marissa called and we talked on the phone for a good 2 hours and during that time the dr. called my cell phone I let it go to voice mail and just listened to the message which said, “your blood work came back positive and your estrogen level looks great and your predictive level (HCG) was at 177 which is good we will see you Monday morning at 9am for more blood work to monitor your levels to make sure they are rising appropriately.” I didn’t even know what to do I wanted to cry, throw-up you name it I wanted to do it. I let Marissa know the dr. report and then I text Daniel and let him know. Marissa was ecstatic and couldn’t wait to tell the whole world but I made her promise not to say anything yet we wanted to wait before we told anyone. Daniel and I talked on the phone and we were both super excited but I know for me there was still this sense of something might go wrong. I was getting ready for church and hopped in the shower where I began to talk to God and I was basically convicted for not wanting to shout our news from the mountain tops. He was like “are you kidding, you aren’t going to tell anyone yet? Do you not believe that I have answered your prayers and have given you your promise?” In that instance I realized that we needed to tell people not to wait until after the second round of blood work or till we heard the heart beat we needed to begin to share with family and close friends what God had done. After church Pastors Charlie and Marissa prayed with us to seal our news and we shared with them both our fears and finally our decision on sharing our news with everyone. Pastor Charlie encouraged us not to hide the news but to share so that our close network of people who have gotten us through this could continue to pray us through. So we came home and talked and decided to tell our families.
Nov. 25, 2008So this morning was much like yesterday morning I quietly got out of bed and did the test, immediately the digital one said pregnant. I just kept staring at it waiting for the NOT part to pop up but it didn’t. Then the dollar store one had a second line I processed quickly that what my eyes were seeing were 2 more positive pregnancy tests. I woke Daniel up and told him and we decided that it was safe to call the doctor and schedule blood work. Unfortunately, my morning is already full and I won’t be able to go in until tomorrow @ 7:45am. I know both of us are processing so many things we were excited but we know better than to get our hopes up.
Nov. 24, 2008
So I woke up on this morning and was relived that we had made it, the two week wait was up and I could take a test. I quietly got out of bed and went to the bathroom to do the pregnancy test. It’s a digital one so it is activated by your pee and you see an hour glass until it pops up with the words “pregnant” or “not pregnant” very easy to read only this one did the hour glass and went blank. I must have stared at that test FOREVER I wasn’t sure what mode to enter into because it didn’t say yes or no it said NOTHING. So when Daniel awoke I told him about the test and we decided to just get another one and take it later…ughh more waiting.
On my way to work I stopped by the dollar tree and picked up 3 tests for $3 (when you’ve been doing this as long as we have you learn to be thrifty on your test spending). And you guessed it when I got to work I couldn’t wait I took a test and a faint pink line popped up I couldn’t believe it. I sent Daniel a text message and he was like, “Really?” “Are you sure?” So I sent him a picture text of the test. He immediately looked up on the internet to see how dark that second line should be to have an accurate positive and everywhere he looked said as long as there is a line it’s a true positive. So we text back and forth and decided to take another test that night when we got home and we got another second line. Could it be could we have actually conceived?? We both were in shock and decided to take the last dollar store test and one more “fancy” digital one just to be sure we were getting true positives before we called the dr.
Nov. 18, 2008
So there is six days and counting before I can pee on that famous stick that will tell us if we accomplished conception this month or suffer from failure once again. Daniel and I were talking yesterday and I think that this go around with the AI we haven’t been letting ourselves talk about it. I know for me last time I day dreamed about how we would tell everyone, calculated my due date, and functioned like I had definitely conceived. But this time its different there is a sense of numbness that has lingered over from our negative results from last month. Of course daily the thought and the wonder of is it our time is always there but I have put a stop to the day dreaming and haven’t allowed myself to focus or be wrapped around the stress of trying to monitor every little thing my body is doing and attribute it to we have conceived. The holidays are quickly approaching us and I am dreading them. While there is that hope that this holiday season will be a joyous occasion for us and we will be able to share with friends and family that we are expecting a bundle of joy maybe even two. There is always that constant reminder in the back of my head that reminds me of the two years that we haven’t conceived and also the memory of our time with Kayleigh last holiday season. I just don’t know if I can fake a happy smile this year when all of our family with new little ones are so excited about their baby’s first Thanksgiving or Christmas or when friends that have easily conceived are around with their newly pregnant bellies with their little one growing inside. Being empty handed this holiday season I think would take a lot out of me! So as the invitations start rolling in for various occasions my sense of wanting to run away is growing stronger and stronger… I know I have to get myself under control and that no matter what the results of this AI turns out to be I will survive and will move on and get up and try again. I am just tired but I have to stop and remind myself of the phrase I tell the kids in youth all the time. When I am not enough HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!! Like I have said before I have no clue how people walk through fertility without the comfort of God. Although fear and doubt and unbelief do creep in at times I am confidant that God is for me and not against me and that His way and timing is perfect so I just need to be still and know that He is God. So today I chose to let the stress and what ifs be silent and to let His peace and comfort be my strength. And know matter what my heart chooses to sing “I will bring praise I will bring praise no weapon formed against me shall remain I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and He is here”
Nov. 10, 2008Today was our second go at artificial insemination. I felt more peaceful this go around maybe it’s because I knew what to expect or maybe it is the sweet presence of God that I encountered at church yesterday still lingering in my spirit. We still are seeing another dr. I guess our normal one has been at a conference this weekend that’s why we have been cared for by the other dr. The one today was very informative and explained to us that Daniel’s count was high and the mobility looked good and that the info from yesterday’s sonogram showed that my uterus lining was ready and that we should have a better chance this go round. So there is our hope, it has been planted in our hearts and now our two week wait starts all over again. We are expecting break through this month!!
Nov. 9, 2008Today we were on a crunch time to get to the dr, by 7:45am for my examination, shot, and then head to church in time to conduct worship practice before church starts at 10am. We waited and waited and finally at 8:15am the nurse called me back to take my vitals normally at this point Daniel comes with me and then they put us in a room to wait for the dr. But not this time the nurse told him oh your wife will be right back. While she was taking my vitals she told me that the only dr. that was there that morning was doing a emergency egg retrieval and it would be another 30 or 45 mins. I sat there frozen thinking that we didn’t have time to wait we had to get to church and my stress and emotional level rose so high. I went back to Daniel and told him about the wait and he said he was going to have to go and I bravely said ok just call someone to pick me up. For those of you that know me I HATE SHOTS and on my last cycle when I had to get one I had to go by myself and I was a basket case. So this time I was more peaceful because I had the thought that Daniel would be there to hold my hand. But then I found myself sitting in the waiting room all by myself my support system had just left and I had to be brave and fight back the tears. I got called back to the room and waited another hour or so for the dr. to come and do the examination it felt like 100 years before he came and my poor friend that came to pick me up was waiting in the parking garage for me for that whole long hour. The examination finally took place and the eggs had grown to the proper size and were ready for insemination the next day. The nurse came in and gave me my big bad shot in the hip that didn’t even hurt and I was finally on my way out of that place with an appointment in hand to be inseminated the next day. When I reached my friends car I sat in the seat and fell apart I was so overwhelmed with my morning and had held my tears back from the moment Daniel had to leave until then and I couldn’t do it anymore. I just always remember the faces of the couples and women that are in the waiting room and I am on one hand thankful that we have Jesus to hold our hand through this long journey but then I am also so saddened because I know that everyone in there is longing for a child and some go through emergency egg retrievals and so many other intense procedures without the knowledge that God is for them and not against them. I am so tired and weary of this journey but I refuse to sit down and let the circumstances get the best of me. My flesh wanted to go home today and get in bed and cry and get away from the world but my spirit screamed the words of “Pastor Daniel” saying what if this is the one service you let your flesh get in the way of your appointment with God. So I had a good cry and my dear friend and I headed to church where I did have an appointment with God. I am so thankful for my Pastors and church friends who have encouraged us and loved us through all of this. And although I have had an emotional day full of tears I am thankful that I have God on my side and that we have made better progress this time with less meds and that my body is responding and functioning more and more the way it is suppose to. I pray that I will never have to walk someone else through this journey because I would never wish any of this on anyone. But I am looking forward to telling our story over and over again and pointing to our children and letting the world know that with God ALL things are possible and no matter what your hearts desire is He will bring it to you. The road might not be the easiest traveled road but He will never leave you or forsake you even on the bumpiest part. I am so thankful for the hope that Daniel and I have and I am thankful for the incredible man of God that I have to walk with me through it all.
Nov. 7, 2008Today is the 12th day of my cycle and its time to go in and see if my body responded to the first round of meds and see if it has produced big eggs this cycle. Daniel and I are on our way out of town to see Coldplay and we were expecting a quick little trip to the doctor than we would hit the road for some fun. But to our surprise we had a long three hour wait ahead of us. Our normal doctor wasn’t in the office so we had to wait to see another dr., who was backed up trying to take care of both sets of patients. Every time we go to the fertility dr. which is weekly I find myself sitting in the waiting room staring and observing people wondering what their story is. To me our situation has been so hard and unbearable at times I know that other couples are sitting there with worse situations and don’t have the hope and comfort that Daniel and I have. We might not always walk in that hope and comfort everyday but we have the knowledge of how to tap into it. Sitting in that waiting room every week gives me the reminder to be thankful for the little things people breeze in and out of there rushing in for different procedures but I know that most of them have a hole in their hearts bigger than ours, that their emotions are raging and they have no clue how to contain them or fill that void the only hope they have is in the dr. I sometimes want to get up on the coffee table and scream out the goodness of God and how much comfort He can bring. When we finally saw the dr. he examined me and found three eggs that were almost matured to the stage appropriate for insemination. The dr. just said lets give it till Sunday and then come back in I was to begin monitoring my LH surge and if I hadn’t gotten a positive by Sunday they would give me the hormone shot to drop the eggs and we would be inseminated on Monday or if I had gotten a positive they would inseminate me on Sunday. Daniel and I both asked “so we don’t need another round of meds this cycle?” I think we were in shock because last time we had to have two rounds of meds. So finally we were off to our travels out of town I was so excited to be getting out of town and very thankful that I didn’t have to take anymore meds for this month. I know for me and Daniel too we were so shocked that we could be being inseminated in 2 or 3 days. Last time we have a couple of weeks to process the procedure and all that comes with it. But this time we were on the express train and couldn’t get off to process.
Our JourneyOne of the first things that we decided early on in our relationship was that “one day” we would have a house full of kids…. Daniel and I both love kids of all ages and over the course of the last 8 years we have been apart of many children’s lives loving them like they were our own. Exactly 2 years ago we decided that we were at a point in our lives where we wanted to start our own family. I tossed the birth control pills in the garbage October 2006, and we started working towards having a baby. Growing up sometimes we have the sweetest scene painted in our head of a large stork bird landing on the door step and dropping a new born baby off. After several months of us trying and not conceiving the childish picture of the stork delivery seemed to be the easiest way to go although I couldn’t find a stork that would deliver! Each month was filled with hope that our little one that we longed for could be on its way but then would end with disappointment and a sense of failure that words can’t even explain when our goal wasn’t achieved. Along this bumpy journey we had the opportunity to care for a baby girl. Kayleigh came into our lives March 13, 2007. Many of you know the story but for those of you who don’t, Kayleigh was born to a teenager from our church that just couldn’t seem to transfer over into motherhood. So by the end of May we began getting Kayleigh on the weekends so that her mother could work to provide for her. We looked forward to every Friday when we would pick little bit up and were deeply saddened when we would have to drop her off on Sunday nights. This went on for several months until finally it got to the point where the mother wasn’t and couldn’t provide for Kayleigh. Daniel and I felt like we should offer to take Kayleigh in permanently until either the mom could get it together or possibly even adopt her if she couldn’t get it together but our prayer all along was that mom could get it together. So in late August of 2007, Kayleigh moved in with us. God used us in that baby girl’s life during the several months she was in our care to pour love, security, and peace into her. Even though we were hurting and aching inside, because we longed for our own child, we put all that aside and poured into Kayleigh. Through our time with her we grew closer together and we learned how to cherish every moment. On the spiritual side we became watchmen on the wall for that baby girl and we fought for her through prayer. In December of 2007, her mom decided to take her back and we were left empty handed and heartbroken. Now at the end of every month we had a pink nursery full of baby clothes to stare us in the face at that “time of the month.”
During all of this time we couldn’t quit, we still knew even through our trials and hurt that God was in control, and that we would continue to declare His goodness. Daniel and I are the Youth Pastors and Worship leaders at our church and even though we felt like our world was crumbling around us our leadership position forced us to stand strong. We have done our best to stand strong and put on a smile even at the hardest times over the past two years. At every happy “we are pregnant” announcement from friends and family we would have to stand by and smile while inside we were heartbroken and couldn’t understand why our turn hadn’t come. In January 2008, we began to seek the help of doctors, which to our annoyance couldn’t find anything wrong. When you are dealing with infertility you want something to be wrong so that there is some kind of justification to your failure. After several months of doctors care we were referred to a fertility specialist in September 2008, and we began several different treatments with him. By this time we hit rock bottom “putting on a smile” for every baby announcement or every time we saw another pregnant woman or a happy couple walking down the street with their strollers just wasn’t working for us anymore. We both were hurting, confused, and felt like we couldn’t go on anymore. We were tired and couldn’t do it anymore. We didn’t want another prayer or word spoken over us that told us of our promise or that it was coming. All we wanted was God to fix whatever was wrong, heal us and give us our baby. We began to seek the council of our Pastors and realized that we had been carrying the burden of infertility by ourselves for far to long we needed someone to help hold our arms up during the time we were the weariest. We knew God was in control, we knew of His greatness, and how awesome He is. We had just been beat down with defeat for two years and it finally took a toll on us. Though through each level of disappointment that we experienced we would receive a new level of grace to try again and keep pushing forward.
While our pastors were speaking life into our spiritual side the doctor was monitoring our physical. We both went through different tests and fertility treatments; some of mine were pretty intense and I began meds to make me ovulate and produce eggs. In a matter of a few visits we found ourselves on the road to Artificial Insemination. This leg of our journey has been the most emotional thus far. Over the course of two weeks I was pumped full of meds and in and out of the doctor’s office every few days to check to see if there was a response from my ovaries to the meds. The first round of meds only produced several little eggs in each ovary and to be an Artificial Insemination candidate you must have 1 or more large eggs in each ovary for a better chance of fertilization success. Finally, after the second round of meds two LARGE eggs were found, one in each ovary. Excitement filled our hearts again we were getting so close to our goal. I received a shot that visit that would put the correct amount of hormones into my body to release the eggs. Daniel and I would go in the next day on October 9th, so that I could be inseminated. We both were hopeful and at peace, our pastors laid hands on us the night before and my heart just knew that our time was coming. The procedure was painless and then our two week wait began. Over the course of those weeks we let ourselves get back into hopeful mode. We hadn’t been this hopeful for a long time. On one of the Sunday mornings during that two week waiting time I led a song in church by Hillsong called Desert Song. Here are the words:
This is my prayer in the desert when all that’s within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in the hunger and need my God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire in weakness or trial or pain there is a faith proved more worth than gold so refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise I will bring praise no weapon formed against me shall remain I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle when triumph is still on its way I am conquer and coheir with Christ so firm on His promise I stand
I will bring praise I will bring praise no weapon formed against me shall remain I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and He is here
All of my life in every season you are still God and I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship. All of my life in every season you are still God and I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship.
This is my prayer in the harvest when favor and providence I know I’m filled to be empty again the seeds I’ve received I must sow.
This song has been mine and Daniel’s life over the last two years. When I heard this song for the first time I cried and cried it really ministered to me right where I was in the desert, dry, in the fire, etc. But through it all the whole time the cry of my heart was to bring praise, to rise above it all and overcome. That very Sunday not only did I break through some personal barriers by leading a song in worship but I broke through spiritually. I knew that no matter what if we got a positive or negative pregnancy test, this time I was going to respond differently. We went the whole two weeks without any sign of my period and on October 23rd, the glorious day that I could take a pregnancy test, I did and it SCREAMED at Daniel and I, “NOT PREGNANT”. I don’t care how many of those you see, you never get use to the bomb that it launches on your heart and your emotions. Daniel and I were both crushed. How much more could we take we were so close this time and it all halted with one little stick you pee on. I cried off and on for two days I was so numb inside but all the time deep down inside my heart was and still is singing “I will bring praise I will bring praise no weapon formed against me shall remain I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and He is here. All of my life in every season you are still God and I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship.”
It has been so different this time because even though my heart hurts and is saddened by our empty nest I know that we are making it and I know that God is for us not against us. And that’s enough for me its enough for me to start my meds again and to begin the road to artificial insemination again because I know that God is in control and I trust him. Recently, I had the privilege of helping a friend work on her children’s church classroom and was also there for her first morning as the lead teacher. As I sat in the class and looked around I saw all these little kids that were there and I was overwhelmed with the call that God has placed on mine and Daniel’s life to be a spiritual mother and father to this generation. Whether we are in “kid’s church” or in our youth group our lives are full of “kids” that we can take ownership of and love and pour ourselves into them. Although sometimes our longing for our own baby overwhelms us we still have so much love for those little ones He has placed around us and we already always have “a house full of kids”.
Since the last blog Christmas has quickly come and gone... Daniel and I did some traveling and lots of running around and entertaining... Considering I was already feeling tired all the festivities really kicked my butt and I was left with very low energy levels by the end... Although the holidays were filled with lots of hustle and bustle we were truly thankful the entire season for our blessing that has been given to us!!